But He Says He Loves Me
Domestic violence, whether it be emotional or physical abuse, is always a difficult and controversial topic. I have spent months wondering how I would be able to write about this, as it is a delicate subject.
Everyone's situations are different but after careful thought and consideration, I have decided to speak from my own experiences and my own perspective in hopes that someone that may need to read this happens to come across this article. They may relate to it in their own way just when they need it the most.
WHEN WILL ENOUGH BE ENOUGH
"Where are you?!" I could hear him searching for me frantically, slamming doors as he looked for me in each room. I heard glass break and he screamed out for me again. His voice filled with anger, he was huffing, puffing and swearing profusely.
As I lay on my stomach under the bed, I held onto the knife tightly trying to hold my breath, scared he would hear me if I made a sound. I didn't know what I would do with a knife but it made me feel a tiny bit safer. My body was shaking in fear, my mind was racing, "Is this really happening? What is this even about? Why did he have to come home drunk?"
I heard the back door slam, he must be searching for me in the yard. I quickly grabbed my phone and called the police. It felt like forever for someone to pick up, my heart racing, palms were sweaty and I was in a crazy state of panic. Finally someone answered, "Please state your type of emergency." I tried to speak quietly but I was so frightened I was speaking too fast.
"What is your name and what is the emergency?" The voice on the phone asked. "Please just send someone to help me, my boyfriend is going crazy and I need help fast," I pleaded. "What is your name, location and what is your contact number?" The voice over the phone asked. "I don't have time for this, just come help me", I pleaded.
I heard the back door slam again, he was in the house. My heart skipped a beat and I hung up the call almost immediately. I grabbed onto the knife while I lay under the bed. I couldn't hear where he was, my blood was rushing through my veins as I used every ounce of my energy to hold my breath. I didn't want him to find me. I was scared for my life. There was silence. Then I heard a bang, it sounded like he punched a hole into the wall again.
My phone rang, I looked at the screen and it must've been the police, I quickly hung up. My heart sank, "Oh my god, I hope he didn't hear that, why on earth would the cops call when I have already told them my situation!" Next thing I knew, he grabbed my foot and was dragging me from under the bed.
WHY I STAYED
Before him, I would've said that I would always leave if a guy were to hit me or even touch me in an abusive way. It wasn't until I was actually in the situation, I finally understood why it was so hard for many people to walk away from any type of abuse. It started off small, little remarks and comments that undermined me and my character. Slowly, it grew into something bigger, by this point, I was invested.
When I first met him, I wasn't interested in him. He was a charismatic guy that everyone in town knew and loved. He was known to be a bit of a "player" and I just didn't want to get entangled with a "player". I was a challenge to him. He was determined to get me. I wasn't as easy to catch as the other girls were so he chased hard.
When I finally agreed to go on a date with him, he did his best to sweep me off my feet. He wrote me cute notes, bought me gifts, wined and dined me, he treated me in a way I had never been treated before. He told me how special I was and he told me he loved me. This went on for over a year and I remember wondering how on earth his ex had ever left a guy like this. I was on cloud nine. Then we moved in together, got engaged and everything went downhill.
Every time I tried to leave, he promised he would change, he promised things would be different and I would end up staying in hopes that the guy I had met would come back. Every time I told him I had had enough, he would say, "You are never going to find anyone that loves you like I do. Your family didn't even want you, they kicked you out of home. You lost your virginity to several men you don't even know, who's going to want you? Every other guy is going to think you're worthless." He knew my past, he knew my insecurities and he knew how to use it against me. At the time, I believed him. After all, who would want someone like me? He says he loves me. I should be lucky he loves me because nobody else would.
HOW I FINALLY LEFT
As the old saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. The universe knew I needed to open my eyes. I was back and forth, making up and breaking up with him and just couldn't get the willpower to leave. That's when someone that I call a "soulmate" walked into my life. (Refer to my blog, "Soulmates aren't always lovers")
My soulmate inspired me to travel, to see what else was out in the world. He knew nothing of my past but he knew I was stuck in my own little bubble. He doesn't know just how much of an impact he had on my life but because of him, I finally decided to take the plunge and booked a one way ticket to Thailand. Little did I know that this was the start of a massive transformation and self discovery journey.
WHAT I LEARNT
Looking back, I had a part to play in that relationship. He was messed up and didn't know how to deal with it so he lashed out. I too was messed up and didn't know to love myself so I accepted that kind of behaviour. Misery loves company and we were both two insecure souls that came together and made a recipe for disaster.
I don't regret that relationship though, I learnt a lot from that. I learnt what I didn't want and it also pushed me into a path towards learning to get to know myself, my flaws, my insecurities and to discover who I really am and what I really deserve.
That relationship taught me that even though at times we can feel stuck and see no way out, there is always an answer. Most often than not, it is the most simplest answer. Just leave. No matter how hard or impossible it may seem at the time, once we start to action what we know deep down is right, the universe will help you. It brings, people, situations and light bulb moments to us in order to assist us in our paths.
I'm not saying that everyone should book a one way ticket and leave but for me, it really did help. Completely removing myself from the situation stopped me from going back. It opened me up to a whole new passion, travel. It opened me up to the big, wide world out there and taught me that the bubble I was stuck in was actually a tiny fraction of what was actually going on in the world. It taught me that I did have control over my life and I did have a choice.
I will admit, that relationship left me even more messed up for a while but I'm definitely a stronger person for it. I wouldn't know how to love myself the way I do now if I hadn't experienced that lesson. Just because someone says they love you, doesn't necessarily ring true.
Nobody can truly love someone else until they can love themselves. Even though he said he loved me, he didn't. He didn't love himself. If he did, he would never have treated me like that. I didn't love myself either because if I did, I would never have stayed or accepted that treatment.
I just remember having a moment while I was overseas, sitting on the beach, toes in the sand, watching a gorgeous sunset, a wave of freedom washing over me and I thought to myself, "Why did I not leave sooner?"
If you are in a similar situation or know someone that is, please know that there is a way out and it doesn't have to be like this. I mean this from the bottom of my heart, no one deserves to go through this and no one deserves to feel stuck. There is a solution and there is always a way. Please don't be afraid to ask for help.
If you are in Australia and need support please call ; 13 11 14 www.lifeline.org.au
If you are outside of Australia here is a link for shelters, crisis centres and hotlines;
http://www.vachss.com/help_text/domestic_violence_intl.html